Open Letter to the Pets

Dear Animals,

It has become increasingly clear that you have no respect for the home in which you live.

Cats, your lease expired years ago. You came here on a trial basis as the Big Man is allergic to you. Only through many tears shed, were you granted temporary asylum and allowed to stay. It would behoove you to adjust your attitude accordingly. There is no need for yowling at all hours of the night. If it's loud enought to: a)wake me b)wake the baby c)be heard from outside, it's too loud. In fact, you're yowling right this very minute. Hear me: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. It's clearly not food, water or attention so I'm out of ideas. Send a smoke signal or something because this noise? Does not compute.

Additionally, I would happy to show you to your litter box if you've lost your way. It's about two inches to the right of what you believe to be it's present location.

Dog, I know you feel put out by the presence of the Small Man in the house. I know that you and he have a difference of opinion about what constitutes "petting nicely." I would like to ask you to remember the early years. The years in which you were treated more like a child than a dog. Please draw on those good times when you're tempted to pee on the brand new carpet out of spite.

Also, please don't pretend like your life is particularly hard. You spend your nights curled into whatever crook of my body you find most comfortable, and your days lounging on whatever piece of furniture is getting the best light. Your food is delivered at the same time daily and your water freshed often. Let's be honest, it's good to be you.

To sum up, shape up or ship out.

The Misses.

P.S. Who am I kidding? You're not going anywhere. But, please, oh please just stop the yowling and errant peeing?